Monthly Archives: August 2012

Loved

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After such melodramatic posts, today i feel loved. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new month, and now, I have a new and better positive outlook. Why? Well….

I told a very special friend from my high school days about the feeling I was having. About changing, trust, friendship etc. He is one of the few people I still communicate with. Over chat, I told him everything. He gave great advice, like talking to my Girl friends about my problems. But the one thing that made tears form was that he told me why he befriended me. He told me that it was because i was a great listener, and he enjoys telling me stories. That really made me cry. It was the first time I told someone about my problems and I was happy.

Following his advice, I told my other friends about my feelings, and words of care and love poured. Though there were time when it made me think whether their words were lies. But, no. For now, I would like to maintain in my happy place of lies. Let me be happy even once in a while.

One said, ” Change is inevitable and if you change, but your friends do not accept you, then they are not really your friends. ”

Another said,  “Frankly, you need to learn to vocalize your thoughts and feelings. Just remember to stay grounded in what you believe in.

Again I was happy.

Lastly, one person asked me to join his team. This team was aiming for a seat in power. ( it is not yet sure so I would explain when I have made a decision). He told me that he thinks I would be reliable and a valuable asset. He likes how I work. Was this what I have been waiting for all along? Was this the responsibility I have been asking for? I am not sure, but his words really rebuilt my confidence.

Now two questions begin to plague my mind….

1.Were their words a mere form of flattery?
2. Does all of this happiness mean that days of sadness and sorrow would soon follow?

Anyway, I know that my friends would probably not read this, or know me, but I would just like to say thank you to all of them. I am blessed to have friends like them. And I hope you do too.

 

Change

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When I started my second year in college, I noticed that I have changes in my personality, and a lot of people have been noticing it as well. A few high school friends have told me that I had a new and “sassier” accent. Others told me I had become loud and much more talkative. While others asked me, “Are you even *insert name here*? ”

Honestly, I do not know whether this is good or bad. When I was in high school, I have always tried to be more confident and out going, but now that I have reached that state of being confident, I try to restrain my new found personality.

The reason why i try to restrain my current outgoing self is because of my high school friends. They met me and accepted me as the shy and quiet one. Would it seem like I was deceiving them with my facade? I do not want them to think of me that way because I value their freindship so much. They stuck by me even though I went through persecution. I love them so much. I know I am outgoing. I knew even then, yet why do I try to restrain this feeling in front of them?

My college friends, on the other hand, know me as a friendly over achiever. Nothing like my high school self. Now, I try to restrain my perky attitude, and they begin to feel like I am mad at them. Which is not the case. When I am in school now, I feel like the facade is the outgoing self and the real self is the introvert.

Funny how things never go the way we want it to be.

Honestly, I no longer no what to do. With the stress of school work piling up. I have no time to think about these. For the mean time, I would just tone down my active and bubbly personality in college, and lessen my talkative side in front of my high school friends. But for those who have better solutions please. I need help.

All in My Head

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These past few weeks, I realize that I can no longer be alone. I no longer enjoy the feeling of solidarity. How did I reach to this conclusion? Well, it began when my friend–the only freind i can open up to in college– began avoiding me. It wasn’t because we had a fight. No, I do not think so. I think it is because she is guilty to another friend. She had done something to a friend, thus she clings to her more often. I knew it would come to this. I knew I was only a replacement. After all, I wasn’t really part of the group. But now that I have felt the sesation of happiness with others, how can I go back to the feeling of solidarity?

With the feeling of jealousy consuming me, I avoided her. I avoided her gaze, her goodbyes. I left one night, disappointed at myself, for feeling jealous. As tears stared to form, I heard a voice getting louder and louder. It was her. She ran after me, panting.

She asked, “Are you mad at me?”

I looked away because i knew the tears would fall.

“No. I’m not. I’m just stressed with school lately. Go home, Its late.”  I said.

I rushed her to go home. And I immediately rode the bus. Not looking back, the tears fell.

The next day, we talked, and I explained to her everything. It was the stress of school that caused me to act that way. I was just stressed to have avoided her. I was getting poor results, so I had to let go of something and that was her. We began to rebuild what was partially lost.

No need to tell her about my jealousy issues. How I was jelousover her and her friend. The events I saw must have been my imagination, induced by stress. After all, maybe I was the only one who saw those events.

Whenever You Speak to Me

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Whenever you speak to me

…you always tell me what to do.

…you inspect the work I give to you.

…you talk about how your days went.

…you say random facts about the world,

and I knew not of what you meant.

…you always say her name.

…you begin to tell your tale,

and I simply nod my face so pale.

…you ask me of who I like

and when you do, the conversation ends.

If this goes on, I would end up hating  disliking you.