These past few weeks, I realize that I can no longer be alone. I no longer enjoy the feeling of solidarity. How did I reach to this conclusion? Well, it began when my friend–the only freind i can open up to in college– began avoiding me. It wasn’t because we had a fight. No, I do not think so. I think it is because she is guilty to another friend. She had done something to a friend, thus she clings to her more often. I knew it would come to this. I knew I was only a replacement. After all, I wasn’t really part of the group. But now that I have felt the sesation of happiness with others, how can I go back to the feeling of solidarity?
With the feeling of jealousy consuming me, I avoided her. I avoided her gaze, her goodbyes. I left one night, disappointed at myself, for feeling jealous. As tears stared to form, I heard a voice getting louder and louder. It was her. She ran after me, panting.
She asked, “Are you mad at me?”
I looked away because i knew the tears would fall.
“No. I’m not. I’m just stressed with school lately. Go home, Its late.” I said.
I rushed her to go home. And I immediately rode the bus. Not looking back, the tears fell.
The next day, we talked, and I explained to her everything. It was the stress of school that caused me to act that way. I was just stressed to have avoided her. I was getting poor results, so I had to let go of something and that was her. We began to rebuild what was partially lost.
No need to tell her about my jealousy issues. How I was jelousover her and her friend. The events I saw must have been my imagination, induced by stress. After all, maybe I was the only one who saw those events.