Perfectionism as an Ideal Self

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Perfection. Impossible to achieve, yet why do I strive so hard to attain it?

Nowadays, I am always depressed. Ever since I became an officer (which was around June), I was never happy. I could not remember one day when I felt complete happiness. Every single day I am stressed. I get into arguments and misunderstandings with almost everybody. After doing so, I desperately try to take back every word I said (which was impossible).

One once said that you can never please everybody. It’s true. I realize that only now. I reevaluated myself, and realized that I did try to please everybody, so I stopped. I stopped being the perfect little girl everyone knew. I disagreed with them instead of saying yes all the time. I defended myself and my side. I spoke up, shared my thoughts and opinions. I was full of life in doing so, but after that it felt wrong. I regretted every word I said after every debate.

Every time I get into an argument, it hurt. I felt like I lost friends, despite it being work. I thought, like me, my friends knew how to separate work from personal relationships, but I was wrong. They couldn’t. I was (am still) alone.

I tried to go back to the perfect girl I was, but I no longer can. I wanted to be friends with everyone again. But relationships were broken, difficult to fix.

I realize now that I only tried to please everyone because I am trying to please myself. I want to be someone who is popular, someone who everyone likes. I desperately try to fit in with everybody, a leader of something. I had set perfection as my ideal self, only realizing  that it is something impossible to achieve. The pain of knowing a dream is never going to be fulfilled is something painful.

Now, I do not know what to do. Everyday, I am depressed. This has brought me nothing but misery. What should I do now?

 

 

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