Disappointments and Self-loathing

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Today was the graduation ceremony of our College. As the appointed head of the ushering committee, I had to make it right. After all, it was the last words the previous head told me. I had prepared for this day for more than two weeks. Sadly, all the preparation can only do so much.

We were very much undermanned, and other tasks kept on coming all over me. Guests were complaining. My team arrived late, or just stood there and lacked the initiative to actually work. I am extremely disappointed at them, but as their head, I am most disappointed at myself. I want to handle everything on my own, but I know for a fact that I can’t. And that hurts.

Also, my mother announced that my cousin received a scholarship to study in Japan for one week (which is one of my dreams), but last week I announced that our group thesis was selected to be presented in the Hawaii International Conference on Education. Of course, I was so happy and excited. My mom just said, “What’s that?” My mom just does not see the value in what I have achieve, even though I explained it to her. Since, I have no chance on actually presenting our paper due to monetary reasons, my mom thinks that is worthless, which equates ME to being worthless.

See where I get that perfectionist attitude and need for social recognition?

Well, I took this personality test today, I cam into terms with some of the information it presented. I find most of the interpretations quite accurate. My main motivations contradict with what my mother wants me to strive for. Frankly, I could care less about the pay. I do volunteer work all the time, and she just isn’t satisfied the way I am.
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