What Happened

I was running 2 hours late- literally running. It was my high school friend’s birthday dinner, and I haven’t seen him or my friends for almost half a year. Still, I chose to be late.

Upon reaching the place, I saw that everyone had already finished eating. I went up to the celebrant and greeted him with a ‘happy birthday’ and a hundred apologies, which he just dismissed with a ‘thank you for coming’. When I gave him my gift, I looked for a seat, but all was taken. I sighed.

A space was suddenly made for me, right beside HIM. He was, how should I say it, my first unrequited love. We were the best of friends in grade school. In high school, we confessed to each other, yet nothing happened. We simply drifted apart, but still, I sat down beside him.

I mingled with my other friends, never even beginning a conversation with the guys seated next to me. I had a wonderful time, when I suddenly felt a hand grasp mine. Fingers began to interlock with mine, yet I did not respond to this act. I looked at he who sat next to me, but he was happily chatting with other people. I did not know what to do. My heart was beating rapidly, yet I just continued talking, looking away from him but with his hand holding my hand.

After dinner, someone suggested to walk around the mall, and everyone agreed. I still could not comprehend what had happened in the restaurant, but he seemed to not be affected by it at all. So i simply brushed it off.

While walking, I did not notice that he stood right beside me. Several times, I felt his hands brush mine. Every time that happened, my heart skipped a beat. I could no longer take it, so I took his hand in mine. I looked at his face, and it was still apathetic.

Then, I decided to release my hand, when he stops me. He interlaced his fingers with mine once again. Only, this time around, I held his hand back. No words were exchanged, just the touch of hands.

And so, this is what happened last night… When I was sleeping.

Yes, it happened only in my dreams.

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About Me Series: Jealousy

Jealousy is a sin- a sin I am deeply entangled with.

My brother who isn’t even a year older than me is so much smarter than me. He has entered competitions, a prestigious high school as well as a university. He is currently studying to be a doctor. He always gets what he wants. I mean always. Even though my parents reprimand him, he still gets his way. He has this strange addiction to computer gaming, and my parents are angry at him because of that, yet they still let him play. Whenever we eat out, he always orders the most expensive or one of the most expensive dishes. He was the first one to get an android phone in our family. Indeed, there is something to be jealous about there.

I have a friend in high school. We were the best of friends, yet she is the one who is noticed by all. She is so much more popular than me, yet we are always together. She is well liked by all- even teachers remember her than me. I only get noticed when I do something funny with her, but then I get forgotten soon enough. Indeed, there is something to be jealous about there.

In college, I thought I can get rid of being the shadow of my best friend, but soon enough I met someone just like her. A risk-taker. A friend of everyone. I tried so hard to be better than her, and I think I am, but everyone still likes her more. Everyone expects her to be the next leader. Everyone expects greater things from her. Indeed, there is something to be jealous about there.

Another girl I met in college is very pretty- or so everyone says. I do not think it is pure jealousy, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s just that my eyes are broken. Everyone wants to be her friend. Everyone thinks she’s so great, but I just can’t see it. I do not see what makes her so capable when all she does is sit prettily and show off her skin. Indeed, there is something to be jealous about there.

Jealousy is indeed a sin- a sin I am deeply entangled with. So how do I break free of these shackles of sin that bind me from flying free?

How I Ended My 17 Year Old Life

Today. Not exactly this time, but 18 years ago, I was born. Every year on my birthday, I would recount whether I had a fruitful year or not. And every year, regret is all I could remember. This year, on the other hand, I think I was able to maximize my 17 year old life. Its not that I do not have regrets, of course I do, but I think the happy memories I made impacted me so much more. So here is the run down of what I have achieved in my 17th year:

1. I became a member of an organization and endured a painstaking application process.
2. I had my first summer class in my life (not due to failing grades, but just because i wnated to.)
3. I had my highest general weighted average, so far.
4. I went to China for a convention.
5. I went to Bicol, rode ATVs, climbed a volcano and a mountain.
6. Etc. I could not remember all of them….

and for the past three days, I have been partying…
1. Friday night: our organization’s dance competition. It is our organization’s biggest event. I got home at around 11 pm.

2. Saturday Night: I went to our organization’s semi-formal party, and got to meet a lot of alumni members. We had fun, games, danced. I was not able to join them in going to the after-party since I was still a minor at those times. I got home at around 11 pm too.

3. Sunday Night: I treated my high school friends to dinner. It was much like a small reunion. It was really fun. I do hope they had fun too. I got home at around 11 again.

I do not think there is a need to mention my regrets. because I think I would just be sad as I remember those events. I do not want to spoil my own birthday!

Finally 18 and legal!

Happiness Overload

Hello world! Today is officially the first day of September and the ‘ber’ months begin. I am having such a positive outlook for the whole month of September though I know now that my schedule is packed.

This September I am going on a field trip with my Geography class. In my Special Education class, we are going to assess some children. Today was the first day I get to meet them, and they were just really sweet. The person in chanrge told us not to hug them. I don’t know if I could resist. In my educational technology class, we would have a community immersion. The community immersion would ask us to teach teachers. Yes! the students studying how to be teachers would be teaching teachers. 🙂 I also  have two reports to give by the end of month. Not to mention the organization work, since we would soon be celebrating our anniversary week in November.

It is indeed going to be a busy month. Hope we all make it through.

Also yesterday, I met an old friend. (P.S. I confessed when I was in high school about liking him. I would elaborate next time.) I was shopping for supplies when I met him. We exchanged greetings, and I found out he was going to go home. I was waiting for my mom because she was going to fetch me. He waited with me until my mom came, even though I told him to leave first. The funny thing was we met an upperclassman of ours. She knew the both of us. We were together when she saw us. She also said hi, but left immediately. I don’t know what she was thinking when she saw us….Anyway, I am still glad that I met him, and he even stayed with me. I remember him saying something that made me extremely happy, but I now forgot….

Anyway… Good luck to all of us this September! A little more until the end of the year.

Loved

After such melodramatic posts, today i feel loved. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new month, and now, I have a new and better positive outlook. Why? Well….

I told a very special friend from my high school days about the feeling I was having. About changing, trust, friendship etc. He is one of the few people I still communicate with. Over chat, I told him everything. He gave great advice, like talking to my Girl friends about my problems. But the one thing that made tears form was that he told me why he befriended me. He told me that it was because i was a great listener, and he enjoys telling me stories. That really made me cry. It was the first time I told someone about my problems and I was happy.

Following his advice, I told my other friends about my feelings, and words of care and love poured. Though there were time when it made me think whether their words were lies. But, no. For now, I would like to maintain in my happy place of lies. Let me be happy even once in a while.

One said, ” Change is inevitable and if you change, but your friends do not accept you, then they are not really your friends. ”

Another said,  “Frankly, you need to learn to vocalize your thoughts and feelings. Just remember to stay grounded in what you believe in.

Again I was happy.

Lastly, one person asked me to join his team. This team was aiming for a seat in power. ( it is not yet sure so I would explain when I have made a decision). He told me that he thinks I would be reliable and a valuable asset. He likes how I work. Was this what I have been waiting for all along? Was this the responsibility I have been asking for? I am not sure, but his words really rebuilt my confidence.

Now two questions begin to plague my mind….

1.Were their words a mere form of flattery?
2. Does all of this happiness mean that days of sadness and sorrow would soon follow?

Anyway, I know that my friends would probably not read this, or know me, but I would just like to say thank you to all of them. I am blessed to have friends like them. And I hope you do too.

 

Change

When I started my second year in college, I noticed that I have changes in my personality, and a lot of people have been noticing it as well. A few high school friends have told me that I had a new and “sassier” accent. Others told me I had become loud and much more talkative. While others asked me, “Are you even *insert name here*? ”

Honestly, I do not know whether this is good or bad. When I was in high school, I have always tried to be more confident and out going, but now that I have reached that state of being confident, I try to restrain my new found personality.

The reason why i try to restrain my current outgoing self is because of my high school friends. They met me and accepted me as the shy and quiet one. Would it seem like I was deceiving them with my facade? I do not want them to think of me that way because I value their freindship so much. They stuck by me even though I went through persecution. I love them so much. I know I am outgoing. I knew even then, yet why do I try to restrain this feeling in front of them?

My college friends, on the other hand, know me as a friendly over achiever. Nothing like my high school self. Now, I try to restrain my perky attitude, and they begin to feel like I am mad at them. Which is not the case. When I am in school now, I feel like the facade is the outgoing self and the real self is the introvert.

Funny how things never go the way we want it to be.

Honestly, I no longer no what to do. With the stress of school work piling up. I have no time to think about these. For the mean time, I would just tone down my active and bubbly personality in college, and lessen my talkative side in front of my high school friends. But for those who have better solutions please. I need help.

Day of Epic Proportions

Before anything else, I would like to apologize to the reader of this, for it would be a very “journal-type” of post. This would have details about my day because, as the title says, it was a day of epic proportions. Also, I think it is going to be long, so pardon me. But still have fun!

Today, my day began 5:45 am, despite it being a weekend. I was going to teach in a public high school for a college entrance test review. I left the house with everyone asleep, and reached the rendezvous point at around 7 am because that was what was agreed upon. By 9: 30am we were sorted to the rooms which we would be teaching.

Before entering college, I panic when talking in front of large crowds. I feel my hands lose heat, and cold sweat sliding down my back, but now, I do not feel that nervous. Yes, I can’t deny the fact that I am still nervous, but now, I no longer have to jump up and down or run around to get rid of the nervousness.

My session began at around 2:00 pm, so I had time to review the modules. I had no chance at all to see what I was going to teach, but I had to try. I read as fast as I can and reviewed each lesson. When I stood in front, without the nervousness, I blanked out.

I could not explain every word. I really had a hard time getting the attention of the students, and my examples were…. *insert explosion here*. In the middle of the session, I gave up. The CEO of the organization I was a member of and who hosted the review program observed me during this time. She joined in the discussion (though I don’t think that is the accurate word for what happened), and soon she was teaching the class.

I wanted to redeem myself. That is just my style. So, I tried to do so by picking an easier topic and taught it to the class. The CEO said I had redeemed myself, but I don’t think I have.

She told me to take a rest while she taught the other class the topic I failed at. She wanted to do it. I knew that, but I couldn’t just let it go. I really wanted to show her that I can given the time and practice. After all, it was my first real teaching “gig”. AND I was completely unprepared.

I think I did better with the second class. For one, they seemed really passive with the lesson, and I was prepared. I gave clearer examples, and there was much more flow. Why? Because the CEO tutored me. I knew she was disappointed.

The last class was the most devastating, disappointing, etc. class of all. The CEO had already taught all of the classes in the morning, and she was amazing. Everybody enjoyed her. When I taught, I had to live up to something I never reached. Then, I began to panic again, losing my “skill” I had in the second class. After my topic, the CEO jumped in and the class was all very excited. I felt really sad. Yes. That is the only word that describes that feeling.

The tutorial ended at around 6:00 pm.

While going home, I was debating with myself, whether I will go to a high school friend’s surprise party for us. Yes, he just requested we go to a place, and a surprise would be waiting for us.

I was commuting when I thought, “What the heck? Maybe it can cheer me up.”

I made the right decision. At the place, a high school friend, who moved abroad, was staying here for good again. He surprised me by grabbing my ankles when I sat down the chair. My reaction was very passive, and my friends did not expect that at all. I mean I was really stressed when I reached the location, so I don’t think I had the energy left to actually have a funnier reactions. Though the reactions of the other people made me laugh. A LOT.

We ate, chatted, drank ( tea), sang karaoke. It was fun. My friends saw a different side of me. I was always quiet and shy, but today, I just didn’t care. I sang my heart out, even if I had sore throat. We played cards, and drank tea, which we thought was spiked because we somehow became crazy after that. Just kidding! We are all good little boys and girls. (honestly).

Now, I feel a little bit lighter, but there is still a burden in my heart. It makes me wonder whether being a teacher is the right profession for me. Though singing things out eases the burden, but after all the fun and laughter, a dark shadow still resides in your heart.

 

 

What Happens in a Reunion?

I like reunions, no matter what kind it is ( though I have only been to two kinds, high school and family). But sadly, my image of high school reunion shattered when my professor shared his opinion regarding the matter.

A few days before, during a lecture, somebody brought up the topic of high school. My professor then said he is not at all excited in seeing his high school friends because all they do is “talk about the good old day” and “talk about the crap they are doing with their lives“.

Today, I went out with some of my high school friends and realized my professor was right. We talked for hours about our elementary years (yes, not even high school), debating upon whether who were classmates and who weren’t. We talked about college and all the failures and hardships we have faced upon getting there. Despite the pointless topics raised in the conversation, it was fun.

The point of a reunion is to catch up with each others lives, reconnect old relationships and improve old ones. Even if the days we and our old friends spend together are gone, new memories are added because of a single day/ a few hours. We laugh at our old mistakes- the ones we never had the guts to face head on.  Yes, we laugh until the late hours of the night.

I like reunions, even if all we do is remember. 

History Lesson 2: All Over Again

I have always heard the statement “history repeats itself”, but only in my senior year of high school have I proved the statement to be true.

Remember my first love, well, after the GAME, even though we grew apart, I continued to admire him. I mean, how can I ignore someone who is in the same class, and who stands out among the crowd.

Even before the first year of high school, I  already knew  how he is smart, shy and talented, but in our first year, everyone, including me, discovered one of his many talents. He can speak.

We joined the speech club in school, despite our lack of interest. There was an upcoming event, and he was chosen to be the host. After months of training, the day finally came. I saw him preparing, and my goodness, his hands were shaking and he was drenched in sweat. I gave him a boost of confidence, and finally, the time came.

He spoke in front of the whole high school community, and he was…. what’s the word?…. Amazing. I was shocked at how this shy boy became so charismatic. And then, I knew why I really liked him.

By summer, I lost contact with him completely, and my feelings began to fade. Something happened that summer and my second year of high school, but I’ll tell it some other time.

Anyway, by the start of senior year, he was nothing more but a classmate to me. One music class, we were required to perform a musical, and guess what, he was, again, amazing. He shocked everyone in the room. I knew he had a talent for playing the piano, but his singing really sent shivers down my spine, and this happens until now.  He even joined the singing club that year.

The song really made my heart skip a beat. Then I knew, I was head over heels for him again.

Sadly, nothing happened. We never really talked for the rest of the year, other than occasional hellos and goodbyes. Time flew fast, and graduation finally happened.

Last scene: Graduation Ball.

He was chosen, along with two other classmates, to perform some songs for the ball. That was the last time I heard him sing. I remember he was looking towards one of my close friends.

I left quite early that night, but my friends told me he asked my close friend to dance with him. Sweet. He kept her company as she waited for he fetcher. Really Sweet.

I admit, I mean who wouldn’t, feel jealous. It is the one of the most basic human emotions. But that jealousy only lasted a few days or weeks. I saw how much he liked her, and how much she liked him too. Their love story became my personal romantic-comedy-drama movie, and I was at the edge of my seat the whole time. I knew the truth and in my head I kept shouting, “Come on! She’s right in front of you! Don’t be so slow!”

Too bad their story did not end with a happy ending either, though they are still best friends.

So, that’s it! The end of my first love. Its, okay. I don’t have anymore regrets, really.  Because if I did, I would not be able to move forward. Though I admit, I still have those nights where the question “What if?” comes to mind.

History Lesson 1 First Love?

To understand my current predicament, I would like to give you, dear readers, a short history of my life. My relationship life that is.

It all began in my 6th year in elementary school. Oh, what joyous and carefree days! I had a group, of what I thought, was a close group of friends, and in that I group I met my first love.

Well, during that time, I didn’t know I would fall in love. Heck, I was so young, how could I have known it was love.

Anyway, he was my closest friend. Every time the dismissal bell rings, I knew where to find him, in the library. We would spend times there reading, talking, waiting for our fetchers to come. Sometimes, when he wasn’t there, he was with our other friends. Point is, I knew where he was (almost all the time), not to mention the hour long phone calls we have chatting about anything under the sun.

He is smart. Very Smart. So, there goes my confidence level.

Let’s go to the most important part. I was in my freshman year of high school, when I labeled my feelings as a crush, and because of that knowledge,  things started to fall apart. He was my best friend, so whether to confess or not is really a difficult question to answer. I don’t want to sound cliche, but the words like “I don’t want to mess up our friendship” and “What would happen if it doesn’t work?” really do pop up in my head.

My friends who knew my feelings told me to go ahead and confess because they think he likes me too. The people who weren’t my friends, constantly teased us whenever we were together, hence, we started to ignore each other, thinking it can stop all the extra attention.

One day, my friends decided to play a popular game to help us both with our lack of confidence– Truth or Dare. I went first, and obviously, I chose truth.

“Who is your crush?” Friend A asks.

I told the name, not out loud, but whispered it until it reached him, my crush. After that, I didn’t bother seeing his reaction. With one swift motion, I left.

After the short game, I found out he liked me too. When we were in the 6th grade, that is. I was a few months too late.

Things weren’t the same after the game. We both drifted farther apart, and soon found new friends. The End.

Would I wish to be a few months earlier? Would I wish something more could have happened? Honestly, I don’t know.

But one things for sure, history repeats itself, but endings are not entirely the same.