Category Archives: Non-Fiction

Life Cycle

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My last post was about my last semester of course work in College. A semester of doing practicum had passed, and the most awaited graduation day arrived. 

A momentous day remembering the 5 years of my daily college routine. Finally graduating from 18 years of compulsary education. Celebrating 21 years of living and dreaming.

Amidst the joy and pride, life goes on. It didn’t stop after I marched up the stage to receive a college diploma. I thought it did. Instead, another chapter forced its way into my life, whether I was ready or not.

I began working right after graduation. Everyday, I learn new things about my work and myself. I wake up before the sun even shows himself, and go home when he has set. Everyday. But, I’m happy with this new yet familiar cycle.

Well, I think I’m happy.

There are days when I would wonder if there would be an end to this cycle- to wake up with nothing to think about. I would either be rich or dead for that to happen, and the latter seams more probable with my choice in profession.

This cycle needs to end, and I hope I would be able to experience such peace and comfort in this lifetime, even for just a short while. As life goes on, so must a new cycle begin. 

This time, I would be the one to dictate when the new cycle begins. 

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Break Down

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After more than 10 years, our car showed the signs that it had reach its limit. The air conditioned was not working right. There was a strange humming sound from the back. There were times when it just stopped all together. Do we notice these signs of a break down? Of course. Do we still use it? Of course! After all, we haven’t rendered it useless yet.

If only humans can easily show the signs of a breakdown…

Good thing most people can. Whenever I see someone gloomy, I can easily tell something is wrong. I simply ask, “Are you ok?”, and they will share their life’s sorrows with me. After hearing almost all of the stories, I realize that my friends’ problems are so much more childish than mine. Oh how I wish that their problems are mine. Even so, I listen to them. I may not sympathize with them, but I listen, and that is enough for them.

But, here lies the irony of the situation. I help people with their problems. I can’t sleep at night trying to think of ways to resolve conflicts. I constantly rehearse every word in my head trying to think of the perfect thing to say. I desperately try to please everyone, so that, even in my world, everyone could be happy. I try to make them happy, and for a few moments, I see that they truly are, and I am too.

But, they do not see. Behind the smiling face, listening ears, and caring hugs, is the real me. They do not see, or rather they do not wish to see. Here I am, with a giant neon sign with the word help,  and no one even notices. All, I want is someone to listen, but all I have is me, so I just cry myself to sleep to ease the pain.

Notice the signs. Fix the damages, while it can still be repaired.

The only thing I can hope for is that they won’t render me useless and drive me straight to the dump.

Mirror

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Sometimes you wonder whether what you do is enough, and that is normal. But when you begin to doubt every single thing you do, then something must be wrong. You’ve accomplished a lot in your life. You’ve excelled far more than others, yet why do you sell yourself short? Whatever made you think that way?

Do you think I was born with this ideology? I was programmed to be like this for 20 years. I don’t just know it, I live it. I wish to blame you– the people who always put me down, who always does better in everything do, who see no good in any attempt I try to pursue. You! Who always compares me with the rest of the world. Will I ever stop blaming you- you who’s standing right in front of the mirror?

You can change. If you want to, you can.

Don’t you think I want to? And, don’t use the line “If there is a will, there is a way” on me. I have the will, and I will make the way. I have already proven that. But if others don’t help me make the way, I’ll be spending my whole life building that road to the end without ever reaching it.

Then stop looking in front of the mirror blaming yourself, and start looking elsewhere!

And get slapped in the face?! I am built to bite my tongue.

Be careful. You might bite your tongue off, and bleed to death.

I’ve proven that theory to be false. I’m still here aren’t I?

Are you?

*silence*

The Things Never Meant to Be

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Whenever I speak, I feel weak.
Whenever I express, my soul is in distress.
Whenever I lead, it all becomes a dream.
Whenever I try, I crash and fail to fly.

But I still want to speak.
I still want to express.
I still want to lead.
I still want to fly.

But just like the rock who is never meant to walk.
Just like the leaves who were never meant to believe.

I am never meant to speak.
I am never meant to express.
I am never meant to lead.
I am never meant to fly.

I am never meant to dream.
I am only meant to weep.

Will I Ever See you Smile at Me

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Will I Ever See you Smile at Me

I am always waiting for that day,

The day when you will stop and look at me.

Everyday I try to please you.

Everyday I try to talk to you.

But all you do is look away.

You gaze into someone else’s eyes.

You follow every step she takes.

Look at me and not her.

But because I want you to look at me,

I’ll tell you a secret.

She does not like you that way.

Her eyes look somewhere farther away.

Alas, I know you already knew that.

You knew the moment you began your pursuit.

So why?

Why do you waste your time on her?

And why do I waste my time on you?

Loved

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After such melodramatic posts, today i feel loved. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new month, and now, I have a new and better positive outlook. Why? Well….

I told a very special friend from my high school days about the feeling I was having. About changing, trust, friendship etc. He is one of the few people I still communicate with. Over chat, I told him everything. He gave great advice, like talking to my Girl friends about my problems. But the one thing that made tears form was that he told me why he befriended me. He told me that it was because i was a great listener, and he enjoys telling me stories. That really made me cry. It was the first time I told someone about my problems and I was happy.

Following his advice, I told my other friends about my feelings, and words of care and love poured. Though there were time when it made me think whether their words were lies. But, no. For now, I would like to maintain in my happy place of lies. Let me be happy even once in a while.

One said, ” Change is inevitable and if you change, but your friends do not accept you, then they are not really your friends. ”

Another said,  “Frankly, you need to learn to vocalize your thoughts and feelings. Just remember to stay grounded in what you believe in.

Again I was happy.

Lastly, one person asked me to join his team. This team was aiming for a seat in power. ( it is not yet sure so I would explain when I have made a decision). He told me that he thinks I would be reliable and a valuable asset. He likes how I work. Was this what I have been waiting for all along? Was this the responsibility I have been asking for? I am not sure, but his words really rebuilt my confidence.

Now two questions begin to plague my mind….

1.Were their words a mere form of flattery?
2. Does all of this happiness mean that days of sadness and sorrow would soon follow?

Anyway, I know that my friends would probably not read this, or know me, but I would just like to say thank you to all of them. I am blessed to have friends like them. And I hope you do too.

 

Secret to Responsibility

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I have always loved responsibility. Sadly, no one ever gives it to me. Nobody thinks I have what it takes to handle it.

When I was younger, I too thought I could not handle it, but recently (now that I am in college) I feel like I could handle more things and perform better. Therefore, I tried joining an organization in line with my advocacy. I strive hard to get into it, gaining a little bit of confidence. When I was asked whether I deserved to join, I confidently said yes. Yes, because I knew I had done everything I can in my power to be able to accomplish the tasks given to me.

After being a member, I tried strive even harder for a higher position. Some older members/ leaders were “chosen” by the past people who held the position. Nonetheless, it was still a decision of the body. I tried to sense if the finance head would choose me as a future head, but until now, I sense nothing but his preference for my other co-orgmate. Though I did sense the publicity head show her liking towards me. Sadly she would not stay long enough to appoint me as the next head of publicity.

Well, since being the head of a committee in the organization did not work out as well as I hoped. I applied as a registration assistant. Being an RA would require at least two semesters of training. Today was my last day as a trainee for my first semester.

It is hard, but still I try to do the best  I can to make the registration process as easy as possible. I also try to show my good side to the heads. Now, they are deliberating whether who will move on to the next stage of the training. They asked me why I deserve to continue and surprisingly I have an answer for that as well. Someday, I do hope I get to be and official RA and I would hope to be the head of it too.

I realized something after doing these two things, I have the confidence to say I deserve the responsibility because of my hard work. If I was asked if I deserve past responsibilities, I would have said no. But now, I feel like I deserve everything I am about to get. But the biggest question that still plagues my mind is that why do I not have the responsibility? What is the equation for responsibility?

Confidence+ Hard work + ????? = RESPONSIBILITY