Disappointments and Self-loathing

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Today was the graduation ceremony of our College. As the appointed head of the ushering committee, I had to make it right. After all, it was the last words the previous head told me. I had prepared for this day for more than two weeks. Sadly, all the preparation can only do so much.

We were very much undermanned, and other tasks kept on coming all over me. Guests were complaining. My team arrived late, or just stood there and lacked the initiative to actually work. I am extremely disappointed at them, but as their head, I am most disappointed at myself. I want to handle everything on my own, but I know for a fact that I can’t. And that hurts.

Also, my mother announced that my cousin received a scholarship to study in Japan for one week (which is one of my dreams), but last week I announced that our group thesis was selected to be presented in the Hawaii International Conference on Education. Of course, I was so happy and excited. My mom just said, “What’s that?” My mom just does not see the value in what I have achieve, even though I explained it to her. Since, I have no chance on actually presenting our paper due to monetary reasons, my mom thinks that is worthless, which equates ME to being worthless.

See where I get that perfectionist attitude and need for social recognition?

Well, I took this personality test today, I cam into terms with some of the information it presented. I find most of the interpretations quite accurate. My main motivations contradict with what my mother wants me to strive for. Frankly, I could care less about the pay. I do volunteer work all the time, and she just isn’t satisfied the way I am.
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Behind One Vote

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I can’t believe it has been four moths since I was at that all important cross-road of my life. I spent the entire holidays thinking whether to run as our organization’s president or as a member of the student council. I chose the latter.

Taking part in the campaign, despite my earlier perceptions, was no easy task. It was definitely a whole new playing field, with its own set of rules. Good thing, the people I campaigned with were so open-minded and caring. I kept having problems and conflicts with other responsibilities, but they always comforted, welcomed and accommodated me. I couldn’t have asked for better slatemates, rather friends.

I don’t think I could have survived one whole month of stress and sleepless nights without them. A month before the actual campaign period, we started preparing. We had to read up on national and university- wide issues. We crammed so much information- which I don’t think we were able to use all of them. But learning all those, made me become a more socially aware student and member of society.

We tried to do things on our own. We created everything from scratch, being a newly established independent party. But, a few days before the actually start of the campaign, nerves got to us.

Because of that, we got help from more “credible” people. Instead of training among ourselves, one of the members invited guests to speak to us about the elections and how we should package ourselves. Having those talks served as a wake-up call. We needed to learn so much more.

I honestly thought of campaigning just like a normal person, wearing my shorts and my shirt. I learned, that it could work both ways. Voters may deem me as too lax verging on disrespectful, or they could see me as someone closer to the ordinary joe. I didn’t want to take that risk, as my slatemates. So we chose to get matching outfits. XD

Finally, those sleepless nights were put into action. The campaign period was both exciting and tiring. We had to be in school by 7 am in our best smiles. In between our classes, we walked around shaking hands with people we have never even met. We left the school at 8 pm, only to go to a place to learn more and cram even more information to our already tired minds. Despite all of that, we had to smile. Even if we wanted to cry, we had to smile.

During those two weeks, I learned something so much more important. I got to see who my true friends are. I saw the people who were willing to support me in my endeavor. My high school friends, who didn’t really go to the same University as me, helped me campaign!My college friends couldn’t even support me wholeheartedly. Those I didn’t consider friends helped me so much more. I really needed them. I could’t care less about the vote (though that was really important), but what mattered more to me was their emotional support. I really learned to be strong because during this time, true colors will shine.

We all went through so much pain just to get one vote. One vote defines win or lose. (Well, in our official results, two votes defined one candidate’s loss). Nonetheless, I thought of the whole process as a test, and winning the elections simply meant you pass. Beyond that test, however, is a much more challenging responsibility. If we didn’t survive those tough and stressful days, then it is more likely we would be able to survive the what lies beyond the great wall.

 

P.S. What actually transpired was so much more than what I have written. I believe I have learnt so much more about myself and about life in general though this experience. Sadly, I do not think I can narrate each one without going into the specifics, and that would just be too dragging. Though if you are interested in reading more about the elections and what I have experienced, do leave a comment, so that I could share more 🙂

2014 is Our Year!

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I got this planner at the start of 2013. It said, “2013 is MY year!” I believed it. Throughout the year, I tried to achieve everything I want to accomplish in my 2nd and 3rd year of college. Believe me, I did it.

But that success has left me burnt out. I sat alone, an hour and a half beforw 2014, thinking of what awaits MY new year. I felt rather unexcited for the new year. I felt tired. I felt I have accomplished all that has been done. I felt that 2014 will no longer my MY year.

I reflected. I prayed. And God made me realize that I was right 2014 would no longer be my year- rather it will be our year. This year, I will remember to acknowledge that He is with me through thick or thin.

I felt the burden of 2013 get to me because I thought I had to do everything on my own. Now that I feel tired, I realize that, although I can do something on my own, it would not last as long as when someone supports me.

A person may come to support me, and it may last a year or two, but with God, there is no measure in what I can achieve.

With this new mindset, I welcome the 2014 with open arms, and I hope all of you would too.

Happy New Year!

Celebrations: Winter Warmth

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Just click the photo for the full story 🙂

Happy Holidays Everyone! I do hope you are enjoying your time with your love ones this time. Before the day ends, I stared a series entitled “Celebrations”.

The series is composed of short stories revolving a certain celebration around the world. Please do check it out! Here is a blurb for my first story: Winter Warmth.

He didn’t want to go out. It was freezing, and he hated the cold.
She had the power over him, and she knew how to use it so well.

He can no longer take it. He had to tell her.
She can no longer take it. She had to tell him.

What do you think about it? If you are interested in reading it, just click the photo above 🙂
Again, thank you for reading, and have a happy holidays!

Escaping Dreamland (preview)

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Hi there! A few months ago, I had this idea for a plot of a story based on my dreams, but sadly, I did not get to continue it. Anyway here is a brief introduction of the plot:

They say dreams are the window to one’s greatest fears, and forbidden wishes. But for Kyla, her dreams are not only an embodiment of her hidden desires, but a premonition of her future.
Being the president of her organization, the editor-in-chief of the campus paper, a consistent honor student, and a candidate for a position in the university council, life could not get any more perfect for Kyla. But when she is revisited by a familiar face, her mind goes off in all directions. ‘What ifs’ begin to fill her head, and the only place she can get the answers all her questions is in her dreams.
Let her story take you to a world beyond reality and back.

So tell me what you think? 🙂 Maybe I’ll post my stories here too. If I figure out how to add a new tab in wordpress. XD

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Announcement: Wattpad Account

Hello dear readers! 

I have an announcement to make. I have, just recently, discovered the joys of Wattpad. My friend’s story actually got published through this website, so I got excited, and started reading and writing. This is the only account where I use SpoonfulsofConfidence as my pen name, other than this wordpress account.  

By the way, you may be wondering why my username is only ‘spoonfulsofconfidenc’. It is because they have a maximum number of characters to be used for pen names. It looks weird, I know. But, just to let you know it is still me. 

I would also take this chance to thank you for reading and taking a look at my blog. It really means so much to me to have someone listen and read my thoughts. For that, thank you. 

I wish you a Happy Holidays!

Much love,
SpoonfulsofConfidence

Just Like Before: Another offer is Made

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I remember last year. It was about this time of year as well, where a friend asked me to run for the student council with him. In the end, we both ran for positions in our organization, and won.

This time, someone else invites me to join the student council yet again. Frankly, with all the problems our organization is having, I have considered running for the council. My friends and family told me go for the council position. Thinking about this offer , I may not have this opportunity again. I have already turned them down once.

Yet, I am still in a dilemma. I feel that no one is qualified to run for President in the organization next year. I want to run because I hated how things are going today. A lot of members have also told me that I am a sure win for the position, since they do not see anyone more qualified.

To add to my dilemma, I am considering applying for a scholarship abroad. Thus, holding any position may not be a very wise idea. Not to mention the fact that I am already the appointed head of our college’s registration assistants. (This is the most stress-free position I have handled so far).

Unlike last year, I have made a decision before the year ended. Now, I have not. With 11 days before the year ends, I hope to have made a decision I would not regret.

Everything has Changed

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I can’t believe I haven’t updated in 2 months. For that, this may be pretty long because a lot has happened over two months. But one of my most life-changing moments happened in less than an hour.

I have been having problems with my bosses- the president, vice-president and the secretary. (And that leaves me in my committee). They have just been too selfish and self-centered. So, when the secretary couldn’t ‘suck-it-up’ anymore, he decides to send me a crappy resignation letter, and that just threw me off. The next day, I talked to them.

I told them I had to talk to them, and they agreed to meet me at the park. It was 8:30 pm. I told them everything- from how pathetic and lazy they were, to how selfish they have gotten. Most of all, I told everything to the president, how he was never the reason I stayed in the committee, and followed his orders. It was all because of the vice-president. He is the one who made sense.

It was 9:30 pm when my tears stopped falling.

After that, the secretary still talked to me. The president made some sense, but only for a short while. He is now slowly going back to his old habits. As for the vice-president, he told me, “It’s better if we do not interact anymore because I can not take that crap anymore. Have you noticed? We  (referring to the four of us) all have changed, ever since we became leaders.” (Non-verbatim of course).

Of course, I was devastated. To think I stuck up for him. He ended our last conversation with, “I know none of us (referring to the four of us) would be staying or coming back to the organization next year, so I want to leave with nothing but good memories, so I’m doing this. And I hope you would too.”

Due to the unpleasing results, it makes me wonder if I shouldn’t have done anything. Yes, I regret my actions, but again, the wise vice-president told me, “It is ok. You should not regret it. Because if it wasn’t you, someone from us, sooner or later, would have done the same. And I think it would not have been prettier.”

Indeed, everything has changed. I just hope all of this ‘change’ would be for the better.

Stopping Time

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Today, I just came back from a trip to China. It was no vacation since I had to tag along with my dad to his business. And no, I was not forced, rather I forced him to take me. Even though he was there for work, I used it as an excuse to get away from the problems I am currently facing.

For one, I appreciated not having any access to Facebook and Twitter. I really forgot all of my responsibilities. I became disconnected. When I came back, BOOM! Everyone was looking for me. Everyone keeps on looking for me for this and that. Now, I am currently drowning in IOUs.

Nonetheless, I really enjoyed my trip, not just because I got to “relax”, but I got to get a glimpse of the real world. Yes, the responsibilities I handle now are difficult, but the real world is so much worse. I realized now (literally just now, while I was writing this), that it looked like I ran away. I simply tried to forget everything. Now, I wish I forgot everything. I can afford to do this now, but soon, there would be no place to hide.

I am scared. Now that I am back, I am really scared. I no longer need to walk because I have to run- to run to the catch up to the lost time.

A lot of people say that life is like a race. When I was young, I was merely walking the race. In college, I ended up brisk walking, catching a breath every few feet, and getting back on track. I took this 5-day break, and I ended up running this race, and I do not think there is any more time to actually get back to a brisk walking pace- not anymore.

It is good to have vacations. They help us get away and relax. It is that one period in our life where we stop to take a breath. We feel like we are masters of our own time. In these breaks, we stop our time. But when it is over, we realized that we stopped only our time, but nobody stops the rest of the world’s. So we only end up running even faster.

Company loves (My) Misery

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I find establishing friendships with me is something so simple. Tell me a secret, and I tell you mine. After that one conversation, I am at your feet. I would never leave you nor find fault in you. Whenever we fight, I would find myself begging for your forgiveness. All you have to say is ‘okay’. Do it to me 10, 15, 30 times, I would not mind at all. Believe it! I would follow you to the ends of the earth, just make sure I get home by 10 pm. 

Not only am I at your mercy, I also have something with me which everyone desires– love. Yes, I come bearing the gift of love! Not for you, but for a person worth admiring. You see, I, like any normal friend, would have a person I admire. Alas, my relationships always end up being one sided. Soon enough, I would find my friends happy with the person I admire– more than the time spent with me. With that, they live happily ever after. The End.

See? I think I may be cursed. Cursed to have friends who would reach their happiness in the company of my misery. What do I do? I do nothing. After all, I am but a friend, and I choose to stay that way.