Tag Archives: confidence

Self-Analysis

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Apart from teaching and cooking, I find psychology rather fascinating as well. I like finding the reasons for why people act the way they do, and every time I feel sad or depressed, I can’t help but analyze myself. It is exciting to know more about why I act this way, but at the same time, it is quite heartbreaking knowing that no one will benefit from my study–even myself. So, for today’s post, I will try to consolidate my 20-year old case study, so that you, my dear readers, will better understand me, and maybe even understand yourselves.

Lack of Self-esteem

This stems from the fact that I have two younger brothers who are constantly doing better than me. Every time I try out a new activity, they follow and do so much better. I do not get praises from my own attempts, rather people praise them all the time. Of course, my self-esteem, rather what is left of it, is also deeply rooted with what my parents told me when I was young until now. “You are so fat!” “You are so ugly!” “You are useless!” Thus, these words are what fills my mind and soul.

Whenever I say these words, my friends would always say that I’m not fat. I simply say “Thank you”, but do not take their words to heart.

Need for positive appraisal

Luckily, I found what I am good at, and none of my brothers can do it better than me. But then, what is the use of being good at something, when the people who I seek appraisal from don’t even look my way? When I tell my parents stories of school and the good things happening to me, they simply shrug it off, and talk about business, and how useless I am.

Solution? Stop trying to impress them! I try to impress my classmates and friends instead. I always do my best in my extra-curricular activities, always trying to please them because they are very honest. They give credit where credit is due.

Just last week, I was so happy that my professor praised my essay. I was the only one who got a perfect score compared to the other creative writing majors. In my Japanese class, I beat my classmate in a race to translate the statement. It was my first time getting the correct answer ever. All my classmates clapped their hands. Did I share it with my parents? Of course not, because when I got home, all they told me was how useless I was.

Demand for Equality

Lastly, I demand to always treat people fairly in school, especially when enforcing rules in our organiztaion. Simply because my parents value my younger brothers so much more due to the fact that they are boys. I am growing up in a society where everyone, despite gender or sex, needs to learn how to cook, sew or even just bring the dishes to the sink. But apparently, the place I go home to every night, is still unaware of such changes.

I have gotten so used to it that I simply didn’t care anymore. But then, the school also shaped me to act this way. Every year, I saw the injustices happening because of biased teachers, which is why I aim to fight against it by becoming a fair and just teacher.

What now?

Even though I have analyzed myself so much, and found the root of the way I think, I don’t do anything about it. Thus, the reason I said I don’t benefit from such analysis. I still desperately try to please my parents, even if I know nothing will come out of it. I push myself to climb different social ladders, run for student council, become the president of this and that, for what? For them to tell me to stop and focus on more important things (even though they tell me to “put myself out there”). I push myself to excel in my academics hoping to bring them that medal. But I know, it doesn’t matter because after a couple of years I’m sure my brothers will be bring home something much bigger.

Still, I do it. All to hear the words “we’re so proud of you”, which I won’t believe because of you.

P.S. This song really sums up the emotions I have been feeling the past couple of weeks until now.
Paralyzed by Against the Current
P.P.S. I will be writing a part two to this, I’m just not yet sure on how to attack the topic.

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Mirror

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Sometimes you wonder whether what you do is enough, and that is normal. But when you begin to doubt every single thing you do, then something must be wrong. You’ve accomplished a lot in your life. You’ve excelled far more than others, yet why do you sell yourself short? Whatever made you think that way?

Do you think I was born with this ideology? I was programmed to be like this for 20 years. I don’t just know it, I live it. I wish to blame you– the people who always put me down, who always does better in everything do, who see no good in any attempt I try to pursue. You! Who always compares me with the rest of the world. Will I ever stop blaming you- you who’s standing right in front of the mirror?

You can change. If you want to, you can.

Don’t you think I want to? And, don’t use the line “If there is a will, there is a way” on me. I have the will, and I will make the way. I have already proven that. But if others don’t help me make the way, I’ll be spending my whole life building that road to the end without ever reaching it.

Then stop looking in front of the mirror blaming yourself, and start looking elsewhere!

And get slapped in the face?! I am built to bite my tongue.

Be careful. You might bite your tongue off, and bleed to death.

I’ve proven that theory to be false. I’m still here aren’t I?

Are you?

*silence*