Tag Archives: relationships

Break Down

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After more than 10 years, our car showed the signs that it had reach its limit. The air conditioned was not working right. There was a strange humming sound from the back. There were times when it just stopped all together. Do we notice these signs of a break down? Of course. Do we still use it? Of course! After all, we haven’t rendered it useless yet.

If only humans can easily show the signs of a breakdown…

Good thing most people can. Whenever I see someone gloomy, I can easily tell something is wrong. I simply ask, “Are you ok?”, and they will share their life’s sorrows with me. After hearing almost all of the stories, I realize that my friends’ problems are so much more childish than mine. Oh how I wish that their problems are mine. Even so, I listen to them. I may not sympathize with them, but I listen, and that is enough for them.

But, here lies the irony of the situation. I help people with their problems. I can’t sleep at night trying to think of ways to resolve conflicts. I constantly rehearse every word in my head trying to think of the perfect thing to say. I desperately try to please everyone, so that, even in my world, everyone could be happy. I try to make them happy, and for a few moments, I see that they truly are, and I am too.

But, they do not see. Behind the smiling face, listening ears, and caring hugs, is the real me. They do not see, or rather they do not wish to see. Here I am, with a giant neon sign with the word help,  and no one even notices. All, I want is someone to listen, but all I have is me, so I just cry myself to sleep to ease the pain.

Notice the signs. Fix the damages, while it can still be repaired.

The only thing I can hope for is that they won’t render me useless and drive me straight to the dump.

Everything has Changed

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I can’t believe I haven’t updated in 2 months. For that, this may be pretty long because a lot has happened over two months. But one of my most life-changing moments happened in less than an hour.

I have been having problems with my bosses- the president, vice-president and the secretary. (And that leaves me in my committee). They have just been too selfish and self-centered. So, when the secretary couldn’t ‘suck-it-up’ anymore, he decides to send me a crappy resignation letter, and that just threw me off. The next day, I talked to them.

I told them I had to talk to them, and they agreed to meet me at the park. It was 8:30 pm. I told them everything- from how pathetic and lazy they were, to how selfish they have gotten. Most of all, I told everything to the president, how he was never the reason I stayed in the committee, and followed his orders. It was all because of the vice-president. He is the one who made sense.

It was 9:30 pm when my tears stopped falling.

After that, the secretary still talked to me. The president made some sense, but only for a short while. He is now slowly going back to his old habits. As for the vice-president, he told me, “It’s better if we do not interact anymore because I can not take that crap anymore. Have you noticed? We  (referring to the four of us) all have changed, ever since we became leaders.” (Non-verbatim of course).

Of course, I was devastated. To think I stuck up for him. He ended our last conversation with, “I know none of us (referring to the four of us) would be staying or coming back to the organization next year, so I want to leave with nothing but good memories, so I’m doing this. And I hope you would too.”

Due to the unpleasing results, it makes me wonder if I shouldn’t have done anything. Yes, I regret my actions, but again, the wise vice-president told me, “It is ok. You should not regret it. Because if it wasn’t you, someone from us, sooner or later, would have done the same. And I think it would not have been prettier.”

Indeed, everything has changed. I just hope all of this ‘change’ would be for the better.

Company loves (My) Misery

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I find establishing friendships with me is something so simple. Tell me a secret, and I tell you mine. After that one conversation, I am at your feet. I would never leave you nor find fault in you. Whenever we fight, I would find myself begging for your forgiveness. All you have to say is ‘okay’. Do it to me 10, 15, 30 times, I would not mind at all. Believe it! I would follow you to the ends of the earth, just make sure I get home by 10 pm. 

Not only am I at your mercy, I also have something with me which everyone desires– love. Yes, I come bearing the gift of love! Not for you, but for a person worth admiring. You see, I, like any normal friend, would have a person I admire. Alas, my relationships always end up being one sided. Soon enough, I would find my friends happy with the person I admire– more than the time spent with me. With that, they live happily ever after. The End.

See? I think I may be cursed. Cursed to have friends who would reach their happiness in the company of my misery. What do I do? I do nothing. After all, I am but a friend, and I choose to stay that way. 

The Happiness Bottle Hypothesis

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Every bottle is different.

Every bottle is different.

I’m sure you have experienced a day, or maybe even days, of complete and utter euphoria. After which, that state of excitement immediately sends you into a pit of depression and despair. No, it is not the ‘back to normal’ feel, but rather goes beyond that and completely damages your train of thought. You begin realizing new problems that problems about anything and everything that may or may not concern you at all. Thus, with a hoodie covering your head and black eyeliner beneath your eyes you walk through the halls with a shadow of gloom following your every move. I propose this  phenomenon as The Happiness Bottle Hypothesis.

This hypothesis has several postulates that are observed to be true:

1. The amount of happiness of people experience vary.
The premise is that we all have a bottle of happiness. We get unlimited refills in these bottle, but the size of the bottle depends on several factors like family, friends, school, finances, etc., but the most important factor is perspective. What truly sets apart the amount of happiness your bottle can hold is your perspective. Happiness is a perspective of how you view things that are in your life. Happiness, being subjective, is different from one person to another. Person A may view getting a flat tire as destiny and should just accept that things happen for a reason, while Person B sees it as pure dumb luck. Happiness is just a perspective, so it is up to you to determine the amount of happiness your bottle can possess.

2. Despite that, there is a finite amount of happiness a person can possess in a day.

When you wake up in the morning, someone refills our bottle. There is a specific amount of happiness in that bottle, anything more than that just overflows. Even though the amount of happiness you could possess is indefinite, there is a finite amount of happiness you can use in a day. People who are optimistic and carefree are able to use more happiness in a day (due to having a larger bottle), as opposed to pessimistic people.

Being cheerful THROUGHOUT the day (note: It means evenly spread out through the day) shows you were able to evenly distribute the happiness for that day. If you were happy only in the morning, then you must have used up all of it already.

3. Nonetheless, the happiness of one day can be used by another day.
There are days when you are extremely happy for a long period of time. Maybe you were at a party with some old friends. Maybe you got promoted and celebrated. This happens to most of us. You use up all our happiness and unconsciously use up the next day’s worth as well. It’s like ordering an extra drink without having money to pay so you borrow some from a friend. Eventually you have to pay your dues. Using up more than a bottle’s worth leaves the next day with none to use. You begin feeling depressed. Looking back at that moment when we cared for nothing and had so much fun, you begin thinking of things you might have regret doing. You go back to thinking about your work, you spouse, your friends, even global warming. Such is just the effect of draining the happiness bottle.

4. Oh and yes, you can run out of happiness!
Remember, happiness is a perspective. If you choose to see yourself being miserable for the rest of your life, then it just means you sold your happiness bottle to some dude in a grey suit and tie. But if you just enjoy life consistently, you get unlimited refills!

Thus ends the Happiness Bottle Hypothesis.

Disclaimer: This is just a perspective of mine. I am not imposing my thoughts, just expressing them.

What Happened

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I was running 2 hours late- literally running. It was my high school friend’s birthday dinner, and I haven’t seen him or my friends for almost half a year. Still, I chose to be late.

Upon reaching the place, I saw that everyone had already finished eating. I went up to the celebrant and greeted him with a ‘happy birthday’ and a hundred apologies, which he just dismissed with a ‘thank you for coming’. When I gave him my gift, I looked for a seat, but all was taken. I sighed.

A space was suddenly made for me, right beside HIM. He was, how should I say it, my first unrequited love. We were the best of friends in grade school. In high school, we confessed to each other, yet nothing happened. We simply drifted apart, but still, I sat down beside him.

I mingled with my other friends, never even beginning a conversation with the guys seated next to me. I had a wonderful time, when I suddenly felt a hand grasp mine. Fingers began to interlock with mine, yet I did not respond to this act. I looked at he who sat next to me, but he was happily chatting with other people. I did not know what to do. My heart was beating rapidly, yet I just continued talking, looking away from him but with his hand holding my hand.

After dinner, someone suggested to walk around the mall, and everyone agreed. I still could not comprehend what had happened in the restaurant, but he seemed to not be affected by it at all. So i simply brushed it off.

While walking, I did not notice that he stood right beside me. Several times, I felt his hands brush mine. Every time that happened, my heart skipped a beat. I could no longer take it, so I took his hand in mine. I looked at his face, and it was still apathetic.

Then, I decided to release my hand, when he stops me. He interlaced his fingers with mine once again. Only, this time around, I held his hand back. No words were exchanged, just the touch of hands.

And so, this is what happened last night… When I was sleeping.

Yes, it happened only in my dreams.

Children, How Times Have Changed

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To the Children of the World. How Times have Changed.

Before. Children play outside. Running and laughing in the streets.
Now. Children play inside. Befriending and staring at the screens.

Before. Children go to school. Learning and earning a degree.
Now. Children go to work. Earning and making ends meet.

Before. Children listen to their parents. To know what is right and good.
Now. Children listen to their music. To drown and forget everything else.

Before. Children cry. Tears of joy and happiness.
Now. Children cry. Tears of sorrow and pain.

Before. Children lived to learn.
Now. Children live to survive.

Confusing Ending

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This is the finale of my  3-day election series.

The results are out. I won, yet why do I feel like I have lost?

Of course I know the answer… Simply because my opponent lost. Actually, he ran for two positions. I already knew way before that I had a much higher chance of winning  because I was trained properly for the job. Nonetheless, I know he was so much better than his opponent for the other position. Yet people just didn’t see it…

He has a problem of saying what he wants without being mindful of other’s feelings. He does things that makes people get mad at him. he once destroyed a lantern the entire organization worked hard for. I guess that is why people are mad at him (and are still mad at him) Other than that, he is the best worker and leader ever. I mean, he NEVER crams. Something you should never do especially when doing production work.

I believed in him so much, and I wanted others to believe that as well, yet they are not able to get passed their personal biases to make the wise decision. They do not see the value in his work ethics, and instead, they see the friendliness of the person.

I am indeed confused. In these cases which is the wiser decision to take, someone who possess the better skill, but has issues with his members, or someone who has no issues with his members but has work  issues? Indeed, I am confused.

 

 

 

For the First Time

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Last year, I was determined to join the student council of our college, but a couple of weeks ago, I declined their offer.

I remember those days when I wanted a position, yet I threw away one of the highest positions I could ever have. I threw away one of the biggest opportunities I wished for.

Nonetheless, I want to experience getting nominated for a position, so I ran for a position in our organization- a position as the executive for finance.

Upon hearing the news, a lot of the members questioned my decision. They think I fit a better position. It maybe lower, but they think it is a job only I could handle at the moment. I am extremely happy that, for once in my life, people believe in me, in my skills and ideas. Still, I chose a decision against all expectations. Even though I wanted the lower position in the first place, there are several reasons that made me choose otherwise:

1. My academics- having the higher position would take less time away from my academics. The higher position is a one-man team, unlike the lower one. I would be able to work on my own pace.

2. My Working Style- a lot of people say that I am strict and a perfectionist. It may sound rude by I do not want anyone slowing me down. Also, I do not like or am uncomfortable when working in teams.

3. My Friend- my friend wants the lower position though I do not think she is capable YET to lead it.

The elections would happen in a couple of days. I do hope I get to explain my plans well in the forum (we call it a grilling) before the elections.

About Me Series: Tomboy

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I may be a girl, but I am no girly girl. I am a tomboy.

Well, my degree of being  a tomboy does not verge into lesbianism, but other females might think I am (sorry for the word) a slut.

Just because I enjoy hanging out with guys does not make me a wh***. With guys, everything is so simple. I feel confident around guys. I can talk to them for so long, and not feel awkward at all. 

I have the most fun times when I am with guys. I guess they are much better listeners that girls are. I could go on and on about my problems, and they would still be listening. If I ask them suggestions, they give some, as proof of their constant attention. Sometimes, I ask them about their problems, and they just ask me to continue talking.

Guys are also much stronger than girls, and I feel safe around them. Sometimes I find their gestures like letting me get in first or accompanying me until I get to the bus. These little gestures make me feel special. Something I do not feel often with girls.

When I am with the girls, I always need to look presentable. I have to dress up nicely or else I would really look out of place. As opposed to a time with guys- a loose shirt, shorts and rubber shoes is the perfect outfit for an afternoon with them. 

Being with the guys gives me a new understanding of how their mind works. Though I admit, there are times when the conversations get awkward, especially when they begin talking about girls. 

Somehow when talking to girls, I would always feel left out. The maximum group of girls that can be involved in a conversation is three, and I am always the fourth. I seem to can;t find a group that only has two, so I can be the third member (in college).

In high school, I found a pair of girls, and soon, I was able to join them perfectly. I have another group in high school with six girls. If we were engaging in conversations, soon enough we would break into smaller groups of three. 

Strange isn’t it? How I am a 100% female, yet unable to comprehend the female mind? How I feel so much more comfortable around guys than with my own kind? 

Disclaimer: The guys and gals I talk about in this post are the people I met. This does not generalize to the entire population of the earth.

About Me Series: Jealousy

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Jealousy is a sin- a sin I am deeply entangled with.

My brother who isn’t even a year older than me is so much smarter than me. He has entered competitions, a prestigious high school as well as a university. He is currently studying to be a doctor. He always gets what he wants. I mean always. Even though my parents reprimand him, he still gets his way. He has this strange addiction to computer gaming, and my parents are angry at him because of that, yet they still let him play. Whenever we eat out, he always orders the most expensive or one of the most expensive dishes. He was the first one to get an android phone in our family. Indeed, there is something to be jealous about there.

I have a friend in high school. We were the best of friends, yet she is the one who is noticed by all. She is so much more popular than me, yet we are always together. She is well liked by all- even teachers remember her than me. I only get noticed when I do something funny with her, but then I get forgotten soon enough. Indeed, there is something to be jealous about there.

In college, I thought I can get rid of being the shadow of my best friend, but soon enough I met someone just like her. A risk-taker. A friend of everyone. I tried so hard to be better than her, and I think I am, but everyone still likes her more. Everyone expects her to be the next leader. Everyone expects greater things from her. Indeed, there is something to be jealous about there.

Another girl I met in college is very pretty- or so everyone says. I do not think it is pure jealousy, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s just that my eyes are broken. Everyone wants to be her friend. Everyone thinks she’s so great, but I just can’t see it. I do not see what makes her so capable when all she does is sit prettily and show off her skin. Indeed, there is something to be jealous about there.

Jealousy is indeed a sin- a sin I am deeply entangled with. So how do I break free of these shackles of sin that bind me from flying free?